more like the Ugh-er games
ps. I did not pay enough attention to Jenifer Lawrence’s extreme hotness I’d like to apologize for that
El Topo reveiws Takashi Miike’s latest bloody epic 13 assassins
BY CROM! HERE BE MIGHTY TOPO
I guess I should start this review by saying I’m not a fan of the Original film Tron. I look at Tron like the music video “Take on me” by the band Ah- Ha it’s something from the 80’s with a fun visual style but nothing to write home about.
But let’s get to the matter at hand Tron 2: legacy.
Oh boy where do I begin with this movie? To be completely honest I have a hard time knowing exactly where to start, I suppose the beginning is as good a place as any. The film opens with a young Jeff Bridges speaking to his young son about the Grid, a Computer Generated world that Bridges created way back in 1989 pay close attention to this because this is the closest thing you get to any explanation of the computer world that will dominate the majority of the film. This is also the first warning flag about the movie. The Bridges that we are introduced to looks something like a downloadable character in a playstaion3 game more than a real person it’s not quite on the jar-jar binks level of fake computer bullshit but it’s definitely noticeable and for me takes me completely out of the scene we’re not 5 mins into the movie and I’m already screaming “what the fuck is this?” I understand that it’s incredibly hard to “de-age” an actor using makeup but do we really need a CGI Bridges? One who we’re supposed to believe exists in the real world? As much Hollywood wants to push the Technology on us it’s just not ready it looks fake in other words in the opening scene you have a real life child talking to a character from the movie Polar Express, hope you like CGI Bridges because they use him a ton in the film. So after this heart to heart with his son Jeff Bridges pulls a Bobby fisher and disappears without a trace and we flash forward to the future where we find that his son has grown up to be a motorcycle riding, skyscraper base jumping (yeah I wish I was making that up that really happens) Hacker Jerk who annually pranks his father’s (well he’s the key share holder so I guess it’s really his) Company. But all this is just filler till we get to video game world. The son eventually comes across his dad’s hidden lair he makes a few keystrokes then a camera zaps him into Tron-land so we’re done with all the real life crap that doesn’t matter lets get to some blue and red laser shit. I’ve already said a lot of Negative things about this movie and by the time I’m finished I’m sure I’m going to say a lot more but let me say one positive. It looks fantastic the vehicles, the character’s outfits and the city all look great it’s a sight to behold it’s just a shame when the pretty looking characters have to start talking. Ok so the Son is in Tron-world he is quickly captured and forced into gladiator style games involving glowing discs and laserbikes. This again is a high point in then movie the action sequences are handled very well not much is explained which is fine because like I said the movie starts coming off the tracks when people (or programs I guess) start talking. After the laser Bonanza has come to its conclusion the son is introduced to the same weird looking young version of his father who as it turns out isn’t his father just a digital copy of his father that his father created but the fake CGI Bridges from the intro of film? Yeah that one was supposed to be real. Confused yet? Just wait there will be scenes coming up where you’ll have no less than 2 fake CGI Bridges on the screen at once oh boy! This fake CGI Bridges is named Clue say hello to him he’s your films Villain. Clue then tries to Murder the son with his laserbike but the son is saved by the incredible hot Olivia Wilde. Let me just say that she is some kinda good looking woman I wanna De-rez all over her face (see what I did there) honestly one of my favorite aspects of this film is the fact that thanks to miss Olivia when I got sick of the movie (which was often) I could just drift away to my masturbatory fantasies of banging her repeatedly. Ok back to the “plot” so Olivia and the son drive off into the digital mountains to finally find the real Jeff Bridges who sits around all day Meditates and I can only assume since he’s god and all of Tron-World bangs the shit out of Olivia I mean if God asks you for sex are you gonna turn him down? Also before I move on Bridges has been living in Tron-world for like 15 years but if he’s in a computer why does he age? I dunno it seems odd to me. What comes next is the total explanation of the plot from Bridges I’m going to try to go through this as clearly as I can but it’s so Convoluted it’s very hard to explain here goes nothing
- In the beginning you had Bridges,Tron (yeah the guy the movie’s named after) and Clue were all working together to build Utopia
-then Bridges discovered lifeforms that basically created themselves in the tron-world who somehow hold all the secrets in the universe
- Clue got mad for some reason (something about things not being perfect I dunno I don’t care) and deiced to overthrow Tron and Bridges
- Tron is assumed dead (sorry de-rezed) Bridges Flees to the digital mountains to live “off the grid” ugh (but isn’t the whole tron-world “the grid”..ugh nevermind)
-Clue wants to goto the real world and he needs Bridges to do it
-what will happen if a computer program like Clue gets into the real world? Who knows? Clearly the writers don’t because all we’re told is once Clue breaks on through to the other side it’s “game over” I feel like if Clue got over here you’d just have to update your Mcafee software but what do I know?
- oh I almost forgot the portal that bridges our world to Tron-world only stays open for a short period of time like a Deli that only has lunch hours
I’d like to point out that these bullet points were pieced together after a lot of thought and care Bridges explanation of these events sounded like a collection of words that barely had anything to do with each other.
So that’s your movie Clue wants into the really real world son needs to get back home Jeff Bridges is god (who doesn’t seem to have any real powers) and Olivia Wilde looks hot the whole time. For the duration of the film there will be no further explanation of the plot so I hope you were paying attention. What follows is a series of scenes where we meet a variety of characters that meaningless and boring like some hot girl and Digital David Bowie we also meet Daft Punk (who did a really amazing job with the soundtrack) and we find out Tron is a bad guy now (for some reason) Tron also makes a sound that I guess was supposed to inspire terror like Darth Vader’s breathing but instead sounds more like a Electronic cat purring. So everyone is on a mad dash to get to the portal *que the Benny hill music* are they going to make it? I dunno suffer through the movie yourself to find out.
Here’s my biggest problem with the movie. There’s never really any emotionally gravidity attached to any action in the movie because the consequences of these actions are never explored. Why should I care about Clue getting to the real world? I have no idea what happens when he does but somehow I know it’s bad. Why should I care about Computer programs De-rezing? I deleted a excel report 20 mins ago should I feel bad about that? And if the Son De-rezes does he die in real life? Another thing is why do all the computer programs just act like people? What I mean is if they’re all programs what were they designed to do? Party? In the original you had guard programs and gate keeper programs I get that but in this you just had a bunch people programs. This movie brings up a lot of questions that are never answered I understand the mentality that this is just a dumb action movie light show which is fine but the movie tries to wax philosophical repeatedly so that is at odds with it’s turn your brain off and look at the pretty lights ways. Overall the movie is like Lindsey Lohan it’s a fucking disaster but it is an attractive one. The “Plot” made me feel like my brain had been curb stomped for two hours but I have to say the visuals were fun to look at. This movie would have been a incredible 5 min daft punk video but it’s a monstrosity as a feature film
Now if you’ll Excuse me I have to go base-jump off a skyscraper
should have been called the forgettables….oooooooooooooooooooo
but I digress
I watched the movie yesterday,I was expecting a fun mindless throwback 80′s action movie.What I discovered is maybe I don’t like mindless 80′s action movies anymore.
Here’s the plot Rocky heads a team of black ops mercenaries who kill things,they get hired by John McClane to take down some general and his drug cartel that’s organized by the guy from Best of the Best and Stone cold Steve Austin. Rocky and Transporter go run some recon on this cartel and Rocky falls in love with some hot ass Spanish girl. They barley make it out alive,they decided that the job is to much for them and they’re not going to do it. Well Rocky has a boner for the Spanish girl so he figures he’s going to go back on his own. Jet Li complains about being short and Ivan Drago almost kills him then the black op teams gets together to rescue the hot Spanish girl,kill people and blow things up. They do that.then ride Motorcycles.
Here’s the thing about this movie,it’s just sorta boring. I know that a movie like this is all action and your supposed to turn off your brain,but even a mindless movie like Predator or commando had interesting characters to keep your attention. This movie didn’t, all the Characters were just sorta there. The action sequences themselves were largely forgettable with a few minor cool moments. Overall I’m just really happy I didn’t spend $10.50 on this movie