“Look, if you want to believe that this new product is a magical egg dropped from the golden ass of some omnipotent, infallible god, then you’re an idiot.”

The following rant attempts to summarize and justify my growing disgust and distaste for Apple products.

“when I eventually got my hands on one [the iPad], I discovered that one doesn’t relate to it as a “tool”; the experience is closer to one’s relationship with a person or an animal.”

– Stephen Fry
source

This statement is ludicrous and it’s underlying propaganda is insulting. Is the writer really so conceited to believe that we, the readers (and potential consumers) are capable of believing that interacting with a computer is a comparable experience to playing catch with a dog? When was the last time you twisted your buddies tit in order to change the song playing on your iPod? Right. FUCK YOU, Stephen. The iPad is a big iPod touch, that’s it. I’ll repeat that again. The iPad IS A BIG IPOD TOUCH. It is not the second coming of Christ, it is not a spaceship, it is not a portable nuclear reactor. When you instruct your grandmother on how to use an iPod do you equate it’s interface to the relationship between your family, co-workers or pets? NO, because that doesn’t make any fucking sense and if it did you’d be a god damned crazy person.

“”When people see how immersive the experience is…how directly you engage with it … the only word is magical.””
– Steve Jobs

‘Magical’…Really? If you listened to his speech, or read these words and said, ‘wow. Magic. What a great word to describe technology.’ then go play in traffic because the gene pool doesn’t need or want you. THE IPAD IS NOT MAGIC. It is a computer. It has a battery. It operates using electricity just like every other gadget before it. Anyone about to drop $500+ on Apple’s new device is not a 4 year old and should be able to tell the difference. By  using the word ‘magical’, Jobs effectively implies that you’re a godamned moron. Where are the fucking unicorns? Is there a faerie inside turning the cogs and tightening the magic springs? FUCK YOU TOO, Jobs.

If you went to a car dealership and the salesman fed you the same spoonful of sales cum you’d probably tell him to fuck off, but when Steve Jobs, or any other technological pundit spews that shit about a new Apple product the sheeple gobble it up like amateur porn stars trying to get their big break. Look, if you want to believe that this new product is a magical egg dropped from the golden ass of some omnipotent, infallible god, then you’re an idiot. If you want to buy an iPad because you think it is a neat piece of tech, then I agree with you. All I want is for Apple and it’s cool-aid guzzling cultist advocates to shoot us straight. Tell me it’s a new take on a very cool existing device. Ok, I’m interested. Tell me I can comfortably read books on it. Sweet. Tell me it’s super thin and portable and can connect to the internet. Awesome. Now tell me it’s like getting laid on prom night right after flying through the window on a magic carpet. Fuck off and go eat a soy burger, asshole.